sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
