I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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