oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
