Did you just see the Batmobile???
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
