Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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