I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
