When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Randomize
