I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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