No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
