As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
