Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
