You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
