Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
