sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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