If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
