No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
