this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
