i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
