God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Randomize
