I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
