If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
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