Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
