I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
