I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
You can't motorboat a personality
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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