I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
