I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
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The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize