i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
