my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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