Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
