He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Randomize
