So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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