if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
My Higher Power is John Stamos
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
