Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
