Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Boobs speak an international language.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
