Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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