fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
