What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
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