Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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