If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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