There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I am naked and annoyed.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
