Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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