Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
