There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
