What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
If that was your dad, he is hot
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
