Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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