i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
as a side note pls kill me
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
