we have officially lost it.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
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If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
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Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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