just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
