dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Randomize
