i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
