I wish I could teleport
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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