My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
