you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
