I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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