I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
